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What’s sad about having to compile this list is the number of hours I’ll never get back. While some weren’t completely horrid, you have to wonder what the actors were thinking when they signed on. There were far more than these, but space is always a consideration, plus I didn’t want to be responsible for anyone who might take out aggression either by suicide or road rage. So I have limited the worst to 10 (with a few honorable mentions, of course). Before we start on Oscars, let’s reminisce about those dead-end movies and what their titles should have been.
‘The Hottie & The Nottie’ (‘Crap & Crappier”)
Paris Hilton might be photogenic, but the beauty quickly disappears when she moves or speaks. I don’t care how much money she has: Paris is living proof that you cannot buy talent. Hilton is pursued by Joel David Moore (he had no choice because it was in the script), who has had a thing for her since first grade. All these years later, she still acts like she is in first grade. But to get to her he's got to find a beau for her best gal pal (actress Christine Lakin). He would have been better off just going after her instead.
‘What Happens in Vegas’ (’Should Be Screened Only in Vegas’)
I like Ashton Kutcher, and he’s young enough for his career to bounce back from this so-called romantic comedy. It was neither funny nor touching. He should stick to making home movies with Demi.
‘88 Minutes’ (’Felt Like 88 Hours’)
World-class actor Al Pacino has 88 minutes in this real-time movie. Too bad he didn’t get 10 minutes to live — that way I would have had time to see a worthier movie. At least we won’t have a sequel.
‘Mad Money’ (“Three Women Without a Script Between Them’)
Diane Keaton, Katie Holmes and Queen Latifah star as three women who work for the Federal Reserve. Ever wonder what happens to all that old money that gets destroyed? Or what if you could steal that money and recycle it back into the economy? And would you do it? Of course you would. I just saved you 110 minutes.
‘The Day the Earth Stood Still’ (‘The Still Life of Keanu Reeves’)
There should be a law about trying to remake movies that have already stood the test of time. Would you want to see another “Casablanca” just because we’re in a different war? These movies are classics because they captured what was happening at that exact moment in time. The 1951 Robert Wise original, which used the start of the Cold War and our fear of an atomic catastrophe as the basis for an alien visit, has received an update for global warming and pollution. I can see why Keanu Reeves would sign on, but why Oscar-worthy talent such as Kathy Bates and Jennifer Connelly? And why do the aliens have to bug the United States? Why not threaten to destroy China? ‘Disaster Movie’
(‘Disaster of a Movie’)
In a summer of some pretty big blockbusters, it was inevitable that there would be a movie spoofing the hits. What’s ironic is that this movie would be such a bomb when just about every movie it lampooned was such a hit. “Disaster Movie” is yet another in a vein that has found writers, directors and co-producers Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer a Hollywood niche. At least they’re consistent “Epic Movie” (2007) “Date Movie” (2006) and “Spy Hard” (1996) have all been just as bad.
‘The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor’ (’Mummy Dearest: Look What I Dug Up’)
This movie was about as fast-paced as a mummy. Why would a talented actor such as Brendan Fraser want to make yet another sequel? Oh yeah: the money. Well, at least Rachel Weisz made a wise choice not to return. Unfortunately, Maria Bello signed on.
‘Vantage Point’ (‘Disadvantaged to the Point of Nausea’)
Some movies aren’t so bad when you first film them, but they can become train wrecks during the editing process.“Vantage Point” shows an assassination attempt on an American president (William Hurt) from eight different perspectives, which sounds intriguing enough. But showing the same scene over and over gets tedious. In fact, the screening I went to evoked laughter — and that was just at the third vantage point. By the eighth perspective, the entire audience was laughing and groaning. Maybe director Pete Travis should have attended some screenings before releasing “Vantage Point” to the general public.
