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Grasshopper Soup: Protect a woman's right to shoes

TAHOE CITY, Calif. — If high heel shoes were comfortable and practical, men would wear them too. Men are just as smart, and as practical, as women, aren't they? Barack Obama is smart. He knows a brilliant idea when he sees one. He doesn't wear high heel shoes.

If high heel shoes were such a great idea everyone would wear them — football players, soccer players, skateboarders, paddleboarders, marathon runners, even ballet dancers. Coal miners and Navy Seals in combat, maybe not so much.

Nevada Sen. Harry Reid is incredibly smart. Some say he may even be smarter than Obama, if that is possible. Harry knows all Republicans in the country breathe fire, drink sewer water and don't pay taxes. A little bird told him. You won't see Harry Reid wearing high heel shoes. That's why they never show his feet on TV.

High heel shoes are the dumbest thing ever invented. They must be the most uncomfortable shoes a human can wear. You can't wear high heel shoes and have both feet planted firmly on the ground. Let's face it, people who wear high heel shoes need to settle down. Every step you take you risk breaking your ankle. Walking on your tippy toes, with your heels up, must be hard on your quads and calves. Good practice for skiing perhaps, but not conducive to stopping. There should be a speed limit for high heels shoes.

Mitt Romney is a smart guy. He doesn't wear high heel shoes. Maybe if he did he would be less stiff and more hip, the main criteria for becoming president, according to some.

The women's liberation movement thought it was making a big revolutionary statement when women burned their bras 50 years ago. Bra burning was supposed to symbolize women freeing themselves from male dominance. It is not known which causes more toxic fumes when burned, Republican bras or Democratic bras.

Burning high heel shoes would have been a more effective offense against men.

I would research the origins and history of the dangerous shoes, but I'm afraid it would sound like I was writing about a serious topic.

So, why do some women still wear high heels? They say they have no choice because their job requires it. They have to follow a strict dress code, written by men, to succeed professionally. That makes sense. How can you climb to the top of the ladder of success unless you conform and wear shoes no sensible person would ever climb a ladder in?

Nonsense is the price we have to pay sometimes for living in a free country.

I could never date a woman who wears high heel shoes. Barefoot women have more common sense. High heels are as dumb as an electric hair dryer on a back packing trip.

Rumor has it that men invented high heels to watch women wiggle when they walk. But, when some women walk in high heels, they wiggle like a dump truck with bad shocks carrying two big boulders bouncing side to side with so much force you can measure it on the Richter Scale. The whole frame and body could blow a weld and collapse.

I saw a young hostess at a fancy Tahoe restaurant who appeared to be no older than 22 or 23, wearing high heels. She probably didn't get the memo from the women's liberation movement.

Where is Gloria Steinem now that young women really need her?

I watched the ambitious hostess working really hard over the Labor Day weekend, walking all around the dining area, measuring about 4.2, and I ached with empathy.

I saw her at the grocery store later rubbing her ankles in line at the check stand. I had just seen her at work, so I said, “You sure got out of those high heels fast!”

She laughed with joy, free at last in her tennis shoes, as light as a feather and relieved.

Bob Sweigert is a Sierra Sun columnist, published poet, former college instructor and ski instructor. He has a B.A. and an M.A.T. from Gonzaga University. He has lived at Lake Tahoe for 30 years.

Bob Sweigert
Special to the Sun


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Tahoe Daily Tribune Updated Sep 4, 2012 11:31AM Published Sep 4, 2012 11:24AM Copyright 2012 Tahoe Daily Tribune. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.