Ask Tessie: What are the most important rules of beach etiquette in Lake Tahoe?
June 19, 2017
The beaches in Tahoe are so narrow this year because of the high water level, and beachgoers are going to be crammed in like sardines. Since you seem to be a well-respected member of this community, I was wondering if you could provide a refresher on beach etiquette for the summer?
I Need My Personal Space
Here are five sure-fire ways to be the most hated person on the beach.
Arrive the night before, and stake out roughly a quarter of the beach using a gigantic tent and lots of chairs. When you arrive the next day, bring as much stuff with you as humanly possible: coolers, kayaks, blow-up toys, a personal fan, possibly a portable TV in case you get bored of looking at the mountains.
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Treat the beach as your personal daycare. People probably think your screaming toddler is as cute as you do, right? Wrong. But if you're one of those self-absorbed people who's immune to stares of hatred, then for sure let your kid kick sand and be generally annoying.
Leave your dog's poop. If you're looking to make some enemies, then definitely let your dog dookie and pretend you didn't see it. I mean, that person walking on the beach can just rinse their poo-covered foot off in the water.
Shake your sandy towel off on the people sitting next to you. Being all-consumed with your own life makes it nearly impossible to consider others, so go ahead and shake off that sandy towel with no regard for the people downwind. A little grit never hurt anyone.
Play horrible music on a boombox from the '80s. Forget those fancy schmancy portable speakers. All you need is a radio signal to blast your country jams — no matter that you're forcing your horrible taste in music on a beach full of people. You're entitled to be a jerk.
Summer vacation for parents means choruses of "I'm booooored" from our offspring. Any thoughts on fun activities to keep kids entertained (and parents sane) this summer?
Thank God For Mommy Juice
Kids have it way too easy these days, so what I'm proposing will not only expose them to the hardships of life, but also give you ample free time to catch up on "Real Housewives of New York" while consuming mass amounts of rosé.
Step one: Have your kids watch every YouTube video on wilderness survival by Bear Grylls.
Step two: Explain to them what a map is. They may relate if you explain that it's kind of like GPS, but without the helpful directions.
Step three: Give them a pack filled with some dry goods and a knife, and send them off into Desolation Wilderness. Explain that they must fend for themselves and you will come pick them up in a week.
Step four: Pat yourself on the back for your cutting-edge parenting skills. Now go enjoy the peace and quiet, you star, you.
Tahoe Tessie is a humorous take on the standard advice column. It is produced by the Tribune staff, and it is not meant to be taken literally. Have a question you want to ask Tessie? Send it to firstname.lastname@example.org.
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