Ask Tessie: Why haven’t they removed those boulders near Cave Rock? | TahoeDailyTribune.com
Tahoe Tessie
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Ask Tessie: Why haven’t they removed those boulders near Cave Rock?

Dear Tessie,

What's the holdup with those giant boulders blocking a lane near Cave Rock? They've been there for months. Can't they just blast them to bits and remove the rubble?

Sincerely,

I'm No Engineer, But…

Dude, I'm with you. It takes so much longer to make the drive to Incline Village to get a T's burrito with that one-lane nonsense. I spoke to my sources over at NDOT, and it turns out those boulders might not be completely removed and the second lane reopened until NEXT SPRING.

Hypothetically, if those dummies that keep spray painting the boulders at the lake were to put their subpar skills to some actual use, we could push up that timeline if you catch my drift. You know, maybe write something intriguing like "covfefe" or draw a picture of a butt. I'm not saying I condone these actions, because legally I can't, but if someone were to do that …

Second idea. Get those paleo-loving gym rats over at South Tahoe Crossfit to stop talking about doing crossfit for a moment and put those muscles to some good use. And if it's possible to peel those guys over at Escobar away from the MMA fight on TV (which apparently is very skilled, but looks to me like two bloody guys rolling around on the ground in a sweet embrace after kicking the bejesus out of each other), then we would really be cooking with fire. Heave-ho those boulders out of the lane and problem solved.

What would you all do without my infinite wisdom?

Dear Tessie,

After the long weekend I noticed a ton of trash on our beaches and trails. I even saw some people leave their litter from a picnic, but I was too chicken to call them out on it. What's the best way to handle a situation like that?

Sincerely,

I Hate Litter Bugs

If this were Ask Abby, I would tell you to politely approach the offending party and engage in a civilized dialogue, explaining that we are caretakers of our dear planet and this precious lake; therefore we must pick up after ourselves for the greater good.

But we kicked Abby to the curb months ago, so let me tell you how ol' Tessie would handle it. I'd march on over to those losers, chest puffed, and stare at them until things got real uncomfortable — long enough that the people wonder if you are even capable of speaking and might be a little unhinged.

After that, let them have it. Sample dialogue: "Seriously? SERIOUSLY? Who the hell raised you? If you treat a beautiful place like Tahoe like this, I shudder to think about the pigsty you call home, you no-good, trash-slinging scumbucket."

Next, turn to the crowd of people that will be staring at this public display of shaming and get a chant going: "LIT-TER-ER! LIT-TER-ER! LIT-TER-ER!" Before you know it the whole beach has joined in and the person has turned crimson, an indicator of long-lasting embarrassment — the kind that he'll wake up thinking about on those sleepless nights.

At this point, we can only hope that this scarring experience will become a pivotal moment in the litterbug's life. Fueled by humiliation, he will become the kind of person who picks up trash he finds on the trails. He will not only recycle, but he will completely rinse out his recycling and break down those annoying cardboard boxes. Shoot, he may even compost.

Tahoe Tessie is a humorous take on the standard advice column. It is produced by the Tribune staff, and it is not meant to be taken literally. Have a question you want to ask Tessie? Send it to tahoetessie@tahoedailytribune.com.