Ask Tessie: How do I become Instafamous?
I see on Instagram all the time these people that appear to not have jobs, but claim to be “social influencers.” As far as I can tell they basically just take pictures of themselves and sometimes get paid to market products on their account. This sounds like a sweet gig for a ski bum like myself. Any tips for landing one of these so-called jobs?
I’m so glad you asked. I have many suggestions. Start your new career off by purchasing a tripod so you can start taking photos of your back as you look majestically out at various vistas around Tahoe. Remember, if you don’t take a picture of your hike and post it on Instagram, it didn’t happen.
Buy all of the hippest outdoor gear and a broad-brimmed hat that is completely unreasonable for outdoor exercise, but looks cool. You know, the kind that you might wear if you worked at a ranch or something. You want people to hate their own lives when they look at your photos — that’s how you know you are really doing it right.
With each photo, write a caption including some sort of quote from Gandhi, John Muir or Mark Twain. You want people to think you’re deep, outdoorsy and super smart. Sample caption: “In every walk with nature one receives far more than he seeks. – John Muir.” Like, WHOA.
Make sure you tag every brand of clothing and gear you are wearing in your photo. That’s how you get their attention and start raking in those sponsorship deals. Also, don’t forget the hashtags — 50 or so should do the trick. #YOLO, #Blessed, #ILiveWhereYouVacation, etc.
Now remember, you don’t have to actually do all of this outdoor activity to make people believe you are, so work those camera angles! Before you know it you’ll be getting paid $50 per sponsored post from Hydroflask and The North Face for doing basically nothing.
Is the crater outside the visitor’s center from the asteroid that took out the dinosaurs? Just wondering.
Person Who Slipped This Note Under The Door Of The Tribune Office
Don’t even get me started on dinosaurs, dude. Those pansies couldn’t survive one stupid asteroid — and look at me, alive and well after hundreds of years dodging incompetent boat drivers and drunk girls on floaties shaped like unicorns and donuts. (In case you’re wondering what my secret is, it’s a balanced diet of wine and kale.)
Anyway, what I think you’re getting at is probably a giant pothole to which I say this: I am so sick of talking about poor road conditions and potholes I could barf. So I’m going to somewhat ignore your question — though I do appreciate the sneaky way you chose to deliver it to my peeps at the Tribune — and choose to talk about something else.
Instead, let’s talk about how people in Lake Tahoe are horrible at driving in construction zones.
So first off, when did putting on your turn signal become a sign of aggression to the driver in the lane next to you? The sign clearly reads “Right Lane Ends Ahead,” so why wouldn’t you just do your good deed for the day and let the person over instead of speeding up to close the gap? Because you suck. Go ahead and crawl back inside your mother and don’t come back out until you’ve matured into a proper human being.
Secondly, don’t be that numbskull that sees said sign, puts the pedal to the metal until you’re 3 feet from hitting it, then cuts off someone to finally get over into the left lane. Just don’t, OK?
And finally, you are not allowed to complain about the state of the roads here in South Lake Tahoe then turn around and complain about the delays from road construction. I shouldn’t have to explain why that is entirely unacceptable.
Tahoe Tessie is a humorous take on the standard advice column. It is produced by the Tribune staff, and it is not meant to be taken literally. Have a question you want to ask Tessie? Send it to firstname.lastname@example.org.