Ask Tessie: How do I get my stolen bike back?
Someone stole my bike right off my porch last week. The police aren’t having any luck finding it, and I’m really bummed out. What should I do?
Dude, Where’s My Bike?
First off, my condolences, bro. I’m sure you’ve had many epic mountain biking experiences — and definitely no dicey rides home from the bar — on that baby.
Have you tried writing a threatening post to this unknown thief on a community Facebook group? The key is to come off as unhinged. Don’t worry about punctuation, spelling or properly using the English language. Just get your threat across in the most disturbing way possible. If your bike does not magically reappear on your porch the next day, it’s time to move on to Plan B: vigilante justice.
Grab your four best buds, binge-watch a bunch of episodes of “CSI: Miami” and “Cops,” then begin investigating this string of bike thefts. I want the wall of your living room to look like you’re in search of the Zodiac Killer. After locating the scum bag with the garage full of bikes using your sick detective skills, you and your crew will ride through the streets returning them to the many gracious residents, who will dub you Robin Hood of Lake Tahoe. They may even add your likeness to the statue they are going to unveil at the end of the month in Champion’s Plaza.
Now, on the slight chance this rise to fame does not actually work out, how about you grab one of those 5,000 bikes the Burners left in the Black Rock Desert and be done with it all?
Tahoe Tessie is a humorous take on the standard advice column. It is produced by the Tribune staff, and it is not meant to be taken literally. Have a question you want to ask Tessie? Send it to firstname.lastname@example.org.