Ask Tessie: How do I get out of Thanksgiving with my family?
Am I the only one who doesn’t love Thanksgiving? Uncle Jerry always gets too drunk, Grandma’s mashed potatoes are lumpy, Mom lays on the guilt for not calling enough, and my sister’s kids are annoying. So I come to you, humbly, in search of the best excuse to get out of that dreaded day.
I Swear Deep Down I’m A Good Person
Sounds like you need to suck it up, learn from Uncle Jerry and wash those potato lumps down with an ice-cold martini (or whatever cheap, toilet-water beer your more blue-collar relatives drink). But I’m not here to judge what a terrible person you are (JK that’s my favorite thing to do). Here is my comprehensive list of excuses for ditching the people who gave life to you for a day of sweatpants and beers on the couch.
You’re protesting Thanksgiving because of its association with the NFL.
You’re too busy trying to find the home button on the iPhone X.
Stove Top sold out of their maternity-pant-esque “Stuffing Pants” so you don’t have anything to wear.
You tried to board the plane but they wouldn’t let you bring your emotional support boa constrictor — and you can’t fly without him.
You’re too upset over the possible military coup in Zimbabwe.
You told your roommates you’d babysit the couch.
You’ve been placed on the no-fly list because of your addiction to Words With Friends.
You’re too busy clearing your Netflix queue of all the comedy specials and TV series containing sexual assault offenders.
You’re emotionally invested in Season 2 of “Stranger Things” and tired of yelling “Spoiler Alert!” at your coworkers while they’re discussing it.
You’re too busy applying for jobs at Cards Against Humanity so you can get in on their battle against Trump’s wall.
You volunteered to sift the sediment out of the storm water flowing into Lake Tahoe with a pasta colander.
You’ve got a DJ gig at the local soup kitchen.
And finally, you could always tell the truth: You totally would go, but you just don’t want to. Bonus: Everyone in your family hates you, you’re uninvited from Christmas, and you just saved a boatload of cash on presents!
Tahoe Tessie is a humorous take on the standard advice column. It is produced by the Tribune staff, and it is not meant to be taken literally. Have a question you want to ask Tessie? Send it to firstname.lastname@example.org.