Ask Tessie: How do I prepare for Snowpocalypse in Lake Tahoe?
I just moved to Tahoe in November to be a ski bum for the winter. Tales of last year’s Snowpocalypse are legendary, and I want to make sure I’m prepared for the season ahead. What should I stock up on? How the hell do I stay entertained when the power goes off? Help a brotha out!
Preparing for Snowpocalypse is all about prioritizing, so first and foremost, throw on a tall tee and beanie and get your bummy self to Dart Beverage Center to stock up on the good stuff. And by good stuff, I mean the cheapest beer you can find. Don’t get lost in the Craft Beer Igloo, my friend — head straight for the Hamm’s.
Once you’ve stocked your 1985 Sportsmobile full of $12 30-racks, scoot on over to Grocery Outlet. Head to the canned food section and start filling the cart like you’re a looter from Hurricane Harvey. Don’t forget the Cheez Whiz and Ramen!
Now that you’ve got the essentials, it’s time to make sure you’re going to be able to get out of your driveway to get first chair. You’ve got a couple of options. You can deliver a bunch of pizzas to the boys at the public works department, or march on down there and get yourself a job as a snowplow driver. Not only will you ensure that your street and driveway are always clear, but you can create snow berms in front of the houses of all the people who have wronged you. There’s nothing quite like the sweet taste of revenge in the morning.
If you’re an aging ski bum — side note: respect — and not game for the snowplow gig, then make sure you get yourself a blood pressure cuff so you don’t have a heart attack trying to shovel out of the driveway. We don’t want anything to get in the way of you showing those boarding bros how it’s done.
Now there may be some times during Snowmageddon when there is too much snow and the lifts are closed. So what then? If you want to end your long-term relationship immediately, then dust of the ol’ Monopoly set. Otherwise, I recommend a good drinking game.
The rules are simple. At the end of every hour, tally how many inches of the white stuff we got and drink the equivalent amount in wine. And for every complaint you see on Facebook about the weather, take a shot. Lastly, shotgun a beer each time you hear the term “atmospheric river.”
Snowpocalypse is not for the weak of heart — or the tiny pocketbook. If you’re in need of some scrilla while the roads are closed, head outside and round up the dozen pit bulls and huskies that always seem to be roaming around South Shore neighborhoods. Craft a makeshift dog sled, hit U.S. 50 and start picking up gullible tourists for rides at $50 a pop.
Live it up, brohemoth!
Tahoe Tessie is a humorous take on the standard advice column. It is produced by the Tribune staff, and it is not meant to be taken literally. Have a question you want to ask Tessie? Send it to firstname.lastname@example.org.