Dear Tessie,

I’ve lived in Tahoe for a few years, and since I’ve been here I’ve heard people pronounce “gondola” in two very different ways. I’ve always said “gone-duh-la,” but more and more I hear “gone-DOE-la.” Which is right?

Sincerely,

I Don’t Want To Sound Like An Idiot

Well butter my butt and call me a biscuit. I always thought the people that said “gone-DOE-la” had just lived in the Deep South for at least half of their life, but by god they’re saying it correctly!

I consulted the Goog, which then took me to the Tube where I then watched a video that explained a “gone-duh-la” is that boat that dudes in striped shirts push tourists around in in Venice. A “gone-DOE-la” is that overpriced ski lift that carries tourists up to Heavenly.

I pride myself on never being wrong, so this is a real blow for me. I feel like one of those imbeciles that walks around saying “Nuv-ahhhhh-duh” instead of “Ne-va-duh.” IDIOTS. Excuse me while I go drown my sorrows at Cabo Wabo.

Dear Tessie,

I saw on the Tribune website that there is a lakefront home on the North Shore that just hit the market for $75 million. This house has eight bedrooms sitting empty while Lake Tahoe locals are struggling to find housing or are living in run-down apartments. How is that fair?

Sincerely,

But Seriously, Can I Live There?

To answer this question, I offer up this piece of wisdom oft said to me by my mother starting when I was just a wee lass: “Guess what? Life isn’t fair!”

Is it fair that some people have three houses when others are struggling to find one? No, but you can bet your sweet heinie that those people with three houses worked hard to earn the money to buy them (or at least someone in their family did).

But don’t fret; I’ve got an idea to get you inside this baller house and many more around Lake Tahoe.

You and I are going to co-host a Lake Tahoe version of “MTV Cribs.” Here’s the plan: We are going to convince all the fancy homeowners around the lake to allow us to come spend a week — actually, let’s make it two — filming our show.

“Your friends will be so impressed,” I’ll say to them. “Think of what a great story this will be to tell at your next dinner party,” you’ll add. They can’t refuse.

After living it up for one week and six days while the owners of the house are at their other estate in Palm Springs, we will film the show with us in flat brimmed hats and multiple gold chains, walking around the houses showing off the 16 bathrooms, two elevators, eight-car garage, and gigantic fridge that is filled with 200 bottles of Perrier.

“This single throw blanket was woven by blind nuns using hair from woolly mammoths,” I’ll shout. “CAN YOU DIG IT?”

Meanwhile the 10 flat screens in the house will all be playing our favorite rap music videos on loop as we blow people’s minds with the gigantic fireplaces and 2,000-bottle wine cellar.

Next thing you know, our show goes viral, and we’re one step closer to purchasing our own mansion. It’s the American Dream.