Ask Tessie: How should I behave at American Century Championship celebrity golf?
I’m headed out to Edgewood this Sunday to watch the celebrity golf tournament for the first time ever! I’ve never watched golf in person (or on TV because let’s be real … snooze-fest) so I could use some pointers on proper etiquette.
Will There Be Tea And Tiny Sandwiches?
Well, my good sir, I’ve never been one for convention and rules, so this may not be the best advice I’ve ever given, but it is sure to make a splash.
First off, the outfit. Screw polos and khakis. We all know your goal is to meet Justin Timberlake, Tony Romo or Steph Curry, so go ahead and rock that old NSYNC T-shirt you bought at the concert you told your buddies you definitely didn’t go to.
That ought to get ol’ JT’s attention. If that doesn’t work, you could always touch his face like the dude did last year, but there’s a 99 percent chance that you’ll get arrested, so stroke at your own risk. On the bright side, you could end up on TMZ!
Keep your Romo and Curry jerseys as a backup plan in case the concert tee isn’t working for you. But while we’re on that note, apparently you will have to carry those jerseys in a clear bag. Who, other than a 12-year-old girl from the ‘90s on the tail end of a killer shopping spree at Limited Too, has a CLEAR BAG? Cool idea, Edgewood, real cool.
Edgewood also says you can’t ride Segways to which I respond: I do what I want! My suggestion is to wrap up your ankle, slap a handicap sign on that sucker and ride away. Given the nurturing nature JT displayed when that woman got nailed in the stomach by a rogue golf ball this week, he may very well take pity on you and serenade you with a song, too. If he’s taking requests, I’d go with a throwback like “It’s Gonna Be Me.”
Now everyone knows that the real point of the celebrity golf tournament is to drink to the point that the game is actually entertaining to watch. For me, this usually takes a bottle of wine and a shot or two of whiskey. This should also give you the courage to start fun audience chants and do things that people love at other sporting events, like heckling the players and starting the wave.
Once you reach the 18th hole, you’re likely going to be in need of a cool down, so dramatically limp over to the pond, yell “pool party!” and jump on in. I would be downright shocked if everyone there didn’t follow you in. Just shocked.
At this point you are either going to be the newfound celebrity of this tournament — or you’re going to be sitting in jail. Either way, I’m going to need your full name ASAP because I have a feeling it’s going to be making an appearance in the Tribune very soon.
You can thank me later!
Tahoe Tessie is a humorous take on the standard advice column. It is produced by the Tribune staff, and it is not meant to be taken literally. Have a question you want to ask Tessie? Send it to firstname.lastname@example.org.