Ask Tessie: Incline Village’s fees are too high — what should I do? | TahoeDailyTribune.com

Ask Tessie: Incline Village’s fees are too high — what should I do?

Tahoe Tessie
Ask Tessie

Dear Tessie,

I live in Incline Village and the community activity fees are just too damn high. I own a large house and only come up to Tahoe for two weeks out of the year. I hear complaints about how high rents are for locals … Blah, blah, blah. Well, I don't care about rents, but the activity fees are outrageous! I mean the whole reason I own up here is to take advantage of a better tax rate and Airbnb my place, and I'm saddled with community costs that I don't use. What do you suggest I do?

Sincerely,

Absent Nevada Resident

If I were you I’d get in your Mercedes S-Class, roll on over to the Incline Village General Improvement District’s office and tell them where you’d like to stick your Prada loafers.

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First off, condolences, dude. Your life sounds really hard. You're clearly already paying mad taxes on your sweet pad in … San Francisco? Laguna Beach? LA? So to come to Nevada — the last bastion of the Wild West — and get slapped with more fees for your second home is unconscionable.

If I were you I'd get in your Mercedes S-Class, roll on over to the Incline Village General Improvement District's office and tell them where you'd like to stick your Prada loafers. Private beaches that keep out the riff raff is a Constitutional right that you should fight for and definitely not pay for!

If throwing a dramatic scene does not work for you, I've got a few suggestions to help you make up for those lost Benjamins.

Start making hundreds of counterfeit beach passes and selling those suckers on Craigslist at $200 a pop. You're only there for two weeks out of the year — less if you decide to rent that yacht in Croatia again this summer — so chances are you won't have to deal with the crowds.

And since you won't be there very often, why not capitalize on the growing market of men who can't show their faces in public anymore and rent your quaint seven bedroom cabin out as a hideout to Matt Lauer (or Russell Simmons, Garrison Keillor, Louis C.K., Kevin Spacey, Harvey Weinstein, Charlie Rose, Al Franken, Jeffrey Tambor, Dustin Hoffman, Jeremy Piven, Ben Affleck, Nick Carter, John Conyers, Glenn Thrush, Michael Oreskes, Mark Halperin, Leon Wieseltier, Ed Westwick, John Lasseter, Roy Moore, Gary Goddard, Matthew Weiner, Brett Ratner, Andy Dick, Hamilton Fish, Ken Baker, Andrew Kreisberg, Eddie Berganza, David Guillod, James Toback, Jeff Hoover, John Besh, Knight Landesman, Lockhart Steele, Terry Richardson, Chris Savino, Roy Price … ) — and charge him $10,000 a night.

Alternatively, you could turn your house into a high-end smoking lounge for all of those people buying weed from NuLeaf Marijuana Dispensary. Just take a cue from the casinos and pump your pad full of Febreze, and I'm sure you'll hardly even notice the smell.

Tahoe Tessie is a humorous take on the standard advice column. It is produced by the Tribune staff, and it is not meant to be taken literally. Have a question you want to ask Tessie? Send it to tahoetessie@tahoedailytribune.com.