Ask Tessie: What activities would you suggest for the perfect Tahoe three-day weekend?
I’m visiting Tahoe from the Bay Area this weekend for the first time. I’ve seen the Instagram posts. I’ve read the blogs. But I know the best advice for how to spend a long weekend would come from Tahoe’s longest-standing local, so help a sister out.
It’s Time To Par-tay
Welcome to Tahoe, flatlander! (I am allowed to call you that because I have friends that are flatlanders.) Since I know it took you approximately 12 hours to drive here from the Bay Area in bumper-to-bumper traffic, traveling the same speed at which my grandpa cruises to the American Legion for bingo, your Friday night was probably a throw away. But don’t fret; the rest of the weekend is going to be bananas.
The beaches are about to get real crowded, real fast, so grab your unicorn floatie, a cooler full of brewskies, muster up a pushy attitude, and get your butt to the water. Staking your claim is key before the riff raff arrives.
Once your pasty-white skin turns the color of that bag of Franzia you’ve been guzzling, it’s time to skedaddle. If you’re one of those people who doesn’t get drive heaves from listening to country music, Eric Church takes the stage at Harveys Outdoor Arena tonight. Otherwise, head down to Heavenly Village for the Midway Art & Music Festival. There’s a bunch of bands and musicians with ridiculous names playing (DJ Ca$h Ma$ter$? Jelly Bread? Really guys?), but they can probably rock it — plus there will be a handful of carnival rides. If you don’t love to spin in the Tea Cups ride, then you don’t have a soul.
This is the morning where you wake up with a feeling of dread, thinking of the long drive back home and the return to your job at a start-up where you’re developing an app that sends notifications to people when they’re being racist.
“But wait!” you exclaim. “It’s a long weekend.” Yes it is, my slow-witted friend.
Today is the day to get out on the water. Gather your friends, decide who makes the most money, and force them to go out and rent a boat for the day. Don’t be dumb and forget to bring enough life jackets. I recommend a tour of Emerald Bay, then drop anchor where it’s not too deep and dive right in. After you get your swim on, motor over to The Beacon Bar & Grill at Camp Richardson for lunch and the famous Rum Runner. You won’t regret it.
Now, I know you were probably really excited to watch some fireworks this evening, but I have some bad news. Some tree-hugging hippie thought it would be a good idea to have a laser light show instead of blowing up a bunch of fireworks while we all sit around screaming “AMURICAH!” So after partaking of the food trucks and posting up at the beer and wine tent, prepare yourself for some acid flashbacks during the 30-minute “Laser Day” show put on after dark. Groovy, man.
Be honest with yourself: You’re beginning to feel a tickle in your throat, right? A little stuffy perhaps? You wouldn’t want to get other people sick at the office. Do the right thing, get on your phone and write that email to your boss because you just can’t possibly make it into the office tomorrow. Now wait for the feeling of complete euphoria to take over because IT’S A FOUR-DAY WEEKEND, BABY! Now take this newfound gift of time and do something to burn off all those liquid calories you’ve consumed all weekend. I recommend a hike along Horsetail Falls or a trek through Mokelumne Wilderness.
Tahoe Tessie is a humorous take on the standard advice column. It is produced by the Tribune staff, and it is not meant to be taken literally. Have a question you want to ask Tessie? Send it to email@example.com.