Ask Tessie: What are your predictions for this winter in Lake Tahoe?
Can you believe that it snowed this week? It’s September! What’s your forecast for the winter ahead?
Winter Is Here
Bring on the white stuff! Fall is the worst. Women start freaking out about pumpkin-spiced everything, blabbing about sweaters and boots, and using the word “cozy” way too much.
Meteorology is basically weather horoscopes, so I am just as qualified as the next person to predict what we have coming our way this winter.
There is a 50 percent chance that we will get more or the same amount of snow as we did last year. However, there is also a 50 percent chance that we will get less. I predict it will be cold, with a 100 percent chance of people being total dotards about having to shovel their driveways every morning. This will translate to an increase in horribly monotonous small talk with coworkers and store clerks about how much shoveling has taken place thus far in winter. As the season progresses, this will turn into chats about the perils of removing snow from roofs.
On the weather map I see several storm fronts of complaining about road clearing that will sweep across the South Shore. This will be intermixed with drizzles of people claiming to be personally victimized by snowplow drivers who allegedly put snow berms in front of their cleared driveways as a form of revenge. Expect intermittent dispatches from the city government asserting that this is just not true.
There is an 87 percent probability that visiting drivers will reduce their speeds on completely cleared roads to the point of causing total hysteria in the cars behind them. At the same time, be on the lookout for waves of dumb-dumbs blocking the right lane while attempting to put chains on the front tires of their Ford Mustangs.
As we move into the new year, I anticipate several atmospheric rivers of broken sleds, baby diapers, beer bottles and other gross trash to rain down on Spooner Summit as people forget how to be decent human beings while on vacation.
At higher elevations there is a 10 to 90 percent chance there will be more snow, which in turn will increase the number of gapers rocketing out of control down the slopes with GoPros attached to their helmets.
Cheers to winter, Tahoians!
Tahoe Tessie is a humorous take on the standard advice column. It is produced by the Tribune staff, and it is not meant to be taken literally. Have a question you want to ask Tessie? Send it to firstname.lastname@example.org.