Ask Tessie: What do I do about traffic apps directing drivers through my neighborhood?
It took me two hours to get back to my house in Meyers last Sunday because of all the traffic headed out of town. What’s worse is that people are using traffic apps to try and find shortcuts through neighborhoods and jamming up those roads, too. What should I do?
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First off, let me say I’m shocked anyone has cell service in Meyers to use a traffic app to begin with.
I have a few ideas, but I can’t take credit for them all (I’m looking at you, frustrated residents who attended El Dorado County Supervisor Sue Novasel’s traffic meeting a couple of weeks ago!).
Hire a hacker to remove all the neighborhood streets from the app. Those folks over at the Tahoe Mountain Lab are always blabbing on about their start-ups and tech companies, so I’d start there. Or maybe the Dark Net? I don’t know what that is or how the hell to access it, but it sounds legit.
Sue the crap out of Apple and Google. If I’ve learned anything from living in America, it’s sue first, think later. You could get some serious cash out of this situation and use that money to buy one of those sick pads in Incline Village.
Boom. Problem solved.
There has been so much snow this winter, and I feel like all I’m doing is shoveling my driveway. Ain’t nobody got time for that. Does it matter if I just leave it after a storm?
Sick of Shoveling
Let me break it down for you. There are three types of driveway shovelers in Lake Tahoe. The first is what I like to call the “Perfectionist Shoveler.” He is the guy who lies in bed at night fretting about the flakes falling on his pristine driveway. He also believes that the plow drivers have a personal vendetta against him because of the berms that he finds in front of his obsessively cleared driveway in the morning. In his garage you will find at least three shovels and a snow blower, which he is not above using to clear his own driveway while simultaneously shooting snow into his neighbor’s yard.
The second is the “Good Enough Clearer.” If this dude happens to leave enough time in the morning to clear he’ll do it, but no WAY will he miss first chair at Heavenly for that. You can recognize this man’s house by the frozen ruts made from peeling out at breakneck speeds on a shoddily-shoveled driveway. He says he’ll get back to it after an après ski beer, but we all know he won’t.
The last type is you, my friend. You’d rather risk getting stuck in your driveway (and then ask strangers on Facebook to bail you out for $20) than actually shovel your own driveway. Your idea of clearing the driveway is driving back and forth in your car until you’ve compacted the snow into an ice rink, which won’t melt until July. By March you look like Jon Snow climbing up The Wall just to access your front door. I shudder to think what the inside of your house looks like.
So basically, yeah. It matters.
Tahoe Tessie is a humorous take on the standard advice column. It is produced by the Tribune staff, and it is not meant to be taken literally. Have a question you want to ask Tessie? Send it to firstname.lastname@example.org.