Ask Tessie: What is a good Halloween costume that only Tahoe locals would get?
October 30, 2017
I need help coming up with a funny Halloween costume. Preferably I'd like to wear one that only Lake Tahoe people would understand — something timely and witty. Any suggestions?
I Need A Conversation Starter Because I've Got No Game
Oh, I've got some ideas for you, my man. First up: longtime local. This one takes minimal planning. Simply make a sign to wear around your neck that reads "30-year local" and preface every statement you make the entire evening with how many years you've lived in Tahoe. To really commit to the part, demand discounts everywhere you go.
In that same vein, you could also dress up as a protester of progress — what many around these parts lovingly refers to as a "grumpy." Create a sign expressing your hatred of Measure C, LimeBikes, the Loop Road, and millennials. Wave it around all evening with a big scowl on your face while simultaneously complaining about everything on Facebook.
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For a real crowd pleaser, head out to your Halloween party of choice dressed as a pothole. Grab a white T-shirt, draw a giant jagged black splotch on it, and spend the rest of the evening lying on the floor of the party, tripping people and ruining their night. Or you could go as a giant orange traffic cone. Just park yourself in really inconvenient spots — like in front of the bar or bathroom — and ignore pleas for you to move because you're bad for business.
If you're in the mood for a scarier costume, you could dress up as a bear zombie with a vendetta against the car that killed it (or the police officer that can't tell the difference between rubber and regular bullets.)
If you're really feeling crafty, woo the judges of the costume contest as "A Long Line At Safeway." Attach a bunch of Barbie and Ken dolls to a poll that you carry out in front of you along with a shopping basket with two items in it. To really send it home, put a sign on your back that says, "If there are more than three people in line we will open another checkout stand" and wear a look of complete and utter exasperation.
Finally, for the most topical costume of them all, dress up as a vacation home rental. Cut out head- and arm-holes in a big cardboard box before drawing windows, a door and writing VHR in bold letters on it. Make a little hat that looks like a roof, get super drunk and blast electronic music all night from a boom box hidden inside your costume. Voila!
But I swear to 8-pound, 6-ounce baby Jesus if I see any of you fools dressed up as me on Halloween, I'm going to lose it.
LETTER TO TESSIE
I'm a smidge upset with your reply to Mr. Fry in the last column. You wrote about wearing a helmet as if it is something only a Jerry would consider. Regardless of ability or experience on the hill, helmets should always be encouraged. Tessie, I know not to take your words literally, but as someone with so much influence to the locals I would have thought you'd want us to retain what little we have left in our heads and not knock on helmet-wearing.
Tahoe Tessie is a humorous take on the standard advice column. It is produced by the Tribune staff, and it is not meant to be taken literally. Have a question you want to ask Tessie? Send it to email@example.com.
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