Ask Tessie: What should single people do for Valentine’s Day in Tahoe?
I know in the past you’ve given some pretty solid advice on how to meet a special someone in Tahoe. Don’t worry; this is not another one of those requests. I’m single and loving it, but I’m dying to hear your suggestions on the ultimate way for a single dude to make the most of the commercial catastrophe that is Valentine’s Day.
Free To Drink As Much Beer and Watch As Much Sports As I Want
Congrats, my man! Sounds like you’re living your best life. Now let’s take it to the next level.
Correct me if I’m wrong, but you sound like a man with loose morals. That’s good — you’ll need it for this mission.
On Valentine’s Day, everyone’s emotions are running high. Guys are freaking out because their wives and girlfriends expect the evening to resemble something out of a Kate Hudson rom com. Ladies have spent a majority of the evening teasing, tugging, primping, and getting their hopes up for a night that’s probably going to be a huge disappointment. It’s basically the New Year’s Eve of February.
People are so wrapped up in the stuffed-teddy-bear-box-of-chocolates culture that when they see someone who is alone on this sham of a holiday, their immediate reaction is pity mixed with a feeling of superiority. (Cue Facebook comments claiming Tahoe Tessie must be single because she sounds bitter. JUST STOP. I have a flourishing Tinder account.)
So here’s the plan: You are going to spend the evening hitting up every Valentine’s event on the South Shore pretending to be a newly-widowed man and capitalize on the one day of the year when people actually have sympathy for single people.
You’re going to need to prepare by watching several YouTube tutorials detailing how to cry on command (they exist; I checked). Wear a really wrinkled suit and wedding ring…and prepare for the free stuff.
That five-course food and wine event at The Loft? Show up alone and tell attendees how you don’t know how to cook for yourself anymore so you eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches every night. Now watch that $125 fee get waived.
After you’ve guzzled your way through to the dessert wine, hop aboard the M.S. Dixie II and describe to passengers how it’s your first time on a boat since the cruise crash when your wife passed away after she selflessly let you float on the door in the ocean while she slipped into the dark water. You’ll definitely get free champagne out of that.
After you’ve had your fill, go home and take a long hot shower because you’re a horrible person.
Tahoe Tessie is a humorous take on the standard advice column. It is produced by the Tribune staff, and it is not meant to be taken literally. Have a question you want to ask Tessie? Send it to email@example.com.