Ask Tessie: What tips do you have for a Harveys outdoor concert newb?
June 16, 2018
I'm headed to Slightly Stoopid this weekend to tear it up at my first concert at Harveys Outdoor Arena ever. Any tips for this summer concert series newb?
The outdoor concert venue is the best place to meet new people. To get started, drunkenly strike up conversations with strangers in the line for the port-o-potty before sneakily asking them if you can cut in line because you’ve “like, really got to wiz.”
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Slap on a bro tank, bust our your favorite flat-brimmed lid, and slip into those flip-flops with the bottle opener conveniently on the bottom because you're in for a good night, my man.
First and foremost, you're going to want to get rip-roaring drunk prior to stepping foot in the venue. Beer. Tequila shots. Oh wait, you just got Smirnoff Iced by your buddy? Drop down on one knee and chug that sucker like you mean it.
But before leaving for the concert, it is crucial that you ensure your iPhone is 100 percent charged. You do not want to be messing around with any low battery mode when you're filming every single song for your Snapchat followers. I mean, who doesn't like watching shaky videos of a concert they didn't go to on Facebook? It's almost as good as actually going.
Added bonus, you're giving fellow concertgoers the "meta" experience of watching the concert through your lit-up smartphone versus the actual performance going on in front of them. What a time to be alive.
The outdoor concert venue is the best place to meet new people. To get started, drunkenly strike up conversations with strangers in the line for the port-o-potty before sneakily asking them if you can cut in line because you've "like, really got to wiz."
And when you see that one hardcore fan in a Slightly Stoopid tee from their '07 tour standing alone nodding his head, ignore his dismissive comment that he's just "here for the music" and offer him a squirt of that Fireball you smuggled in in an old sunscreen bottle.
Another great way to meet new people — especially the ladies — is to dance as aggressively as possible. If they aren't flocking to you because of your sweet moves, then you can instead start up conversations when you have to apologize for bumping into them with your sweaty body mid-gyration and/or spilling beer on them.
Your enthusiasm for the night might be slightly irritating to others, but hey, at least you aren't as bad as that couple sucking each other's faces in the middle of the crowd. GET A ROOM.
And lastly, don't worry about bringing a joint to the concert. The contact high you will get — and likely anyone walking outside in Stateline that night — will hold you over just fine.
Enjoy the evening, Wiseman, and remember, a BUI is an actual thing, so skip the sketchy LimeBike ride home and hop in an Uber.
Tahoe Tessie is a humorous take on the standard advice column. It is produced by the Tribune staff, and it is not meant to be taken literally. Have a question you want to ask Tessie? Send it to firstname.lastname@example.org.