Ask Tessie: What’s on your Christmas list? |

Ask Tessie: What’s on your Christmas list?

Ho ho ho, Tahoe. After last week’s delivery of coal to 2017’s top nincompoops, I thought it appropriate to share what I’d like the cheery fat man to bring me this Christmas. Clearly I’ve been an exceptional cryptozoological creature this year, so I have a long list of requests — and very high expectations.

The term “fake news” to drop out of existence

The roads in South Lake Tahoe to magically get fixed so we can stop talking about them

A new president

$75-million lakeside estate

For internet trolls to lose commenting privileges

Three feet of fresh powder


The return of the Food Poisoner and Ninja Road Star Tosser — because let’s face it, that was great for selling papers (just kidding … or am I?)

For tourists to learn how to drive in the mountains

An end to the city’s recreational marijuana moratorium because the drive to Incline Village is killing me

An unbuildable lot in Incline Village for beach privileges, golf course access and lift ticket discounts

A lifetime supply of sushi burritos

A fully stocked bunker. I don’t trust this world anymore — or Kim Jung Un

A three-day VIP pass to SnowGlobe Music Festival (plus a backstage pass to meet Porter Robinson)

A vacation home rental empire

One week of shutting down Tahoe to all tourists. I know it’s just getting started, but my god you people need to learn how to drive

A pet bald eagle

To ensure that he keeps his tiny hands off our public lands

Working power and internet this winter

World peace

That’s it! Just your average, run-of-the-mill, buy-it-on-Amazon Christmas list. Get shopping, losers.

Tahoe Tessie is a humorous take on the standard advice column. It is produced by the Tribune staff, and it is not meant to be taken literally. Have a question you want to ask Tessie? Send it to

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