Ask Tessie: What’s the deal with the new traffic light at Camp Richardson? |

Ask Tessie: What’s the deal with the new traffic light at Camp Richardson?

Dear Tessie,

What’s the deal with the new light on CA 89 going through Camp Richardson? It’s causing traffic to back up and seems unnecessary to me.


Impatience Is A Virtue

I have some good news. The light has been temporarily shut down because it was allowing pedestrians to have complete control — meaning anytime they pushed the button the red light turned on regardless of how long it had been since it was last pushed. So, traffic.

But while we’re on the subject, allow me to wax poetic on why such a light has to exist in the first place at Camp Rich.

The short answer: Most people are dumb. You see, a vast majority of the sentient beings you share the planet with lack the ability to look both ways and safely cross a two-lane, mildly-trafficked road. Instead, they are all-consumed with shoveling that giant ice cream cone down their gullet while sending a Snapchat of themselves with dog ears and a gigantic tongue superimposed on their face. They require a light to tell them when it is safe to traverse the clearly marked crosswalk.

If they even use it, that is. Just the other day as I was coming back from a little cruise around the lake with pals, some guy attempted to cross the street at Camp Rich right in front of the car (and 10 feet away from the crosswalk). It was like watching a squirrel try to make it across the road as he darted in front of us, realized his mistake, then scurried back onto the sidewalk only to see we had stopped and were going to let him cross — which he did, though rather sheepishly.

But want to know the worst part about cohabitating the planet with a lot of dumb people? They are much more confident than intelligent people. It’s called the Dunning-Kruger effect. Essentially people with lower intelligence mistakenly assess their cognitive ability as greater than it is because they lack the intelligence to properly assess their own abilities. One of life’s great ironies. SIGH.

Dear Tessie,

My girl keeps dropping not-so-subtle hints that she wants a giant rock on her finger before the end of the summer — or else. Any suggestions on good places to pop the question on the South Shore?


Bye-Bye Bachelorhood

Tessie has got you covered, my man. You just worry about not looking like an idiot as you drop down on bended knee.

If you’re totally unoriginal go ahead and pop the question at Emerald Bay. I mean, it’s pretty and all, but if she’s a real Tahoe local she may just roll her eyes and tell you to try again, but this time with more pizzazz.

This next idea is a little out there, but if your girl is an adventure seeker, this may just be your ticket to years of love and devotion (read: nagging and having kids that you only hate sometimes).

OK, so first of all, go out and invest in a black ski mask and ensemble, then borrow your creepy neighbor’s predator van. (Hi Rick from down the street!) Stock said van with all the supplies you might envision needing for a kidnapping. Now wait until the old ball and chain is leaving yoga class, then shove her in the van blindfolded, and peel out.

Drive quickly to the Ski Run Marina where you’ve arranged a private boat charter with all your favorite people as she screams in the back of the van.

Once there, tell her you’re taking her out to the middle of the lake to dump her body. Make sure your friends have set up the plank on the boat. Once she’s at the edge of the plank, tell her to turn around and remove her blindfold. SURPRISE! There you are on one knee with the diamond ring that just sucked your savings dry.

How could she refuse? I’m 75 percent sure she’d say yes to that proposal. Maybe more like 50 percent. Let’s just leave it at 25 percent. Regardless, she’s stuck on a boat with you so that buys some time to convince her before you hit dry land.

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