Ask Tessie: Who gets lumps of coal this year?
This week I’m taking a break from my usual doling out of priceless, sage wisdom to give something different, but equally important: lumps of coal.
You see, this year we have an abundance of coal thanks to the current administration’s desire to revive archaic forms of energy, so I was quite liberal with my gifting. You might even go as far as to call me the Oprah of compressed organic matter (and insults).
First on my list for a lump of coal is all the internet trolls out there. Though your escalation from a simple point of disagreement to wishing cancer upon a stranger and his entire family is entertaining at times, it also is a reminder of how horrible a huge percentage of the humans are that I share this planet with. So do us a favor and stop commenting on our articles.
Next up, a gigantic lump of coal for the Federal Communications Commission. Thanks for ruining the internet, jerk holes.
A lump to North Korea, too. Just cuz. (But thanks for reviving the word dotard!)
Locally, I would like to give many, many black rocks to the 1,288 voters who put the kibosh on Measure C. Thanks to you we are all going to need off-road vehicles to handle the field of craters our roads will inevitably become. And while we’re on the subject of voting, how about a lump of coal for those of you who DIDN’T VOTE? Twenty-eight percent voter turnout? That’s pathetic, even for a special election.
The following knuckleheads will find lumps of coal in their stockings from ol’ Tessie this Christmas: the curmudgeons who don’t support the Warm Room, #LimeBikeChallenge participants, the Lake Tahoe Visitors Authority for taking away our Labor Day fireworks, the birdbrain who thought it would be a good idea to put a stoplight at Camp Richardson, the owner of the sailboat that sat at the bottom of the lake for months, the Fourth of July tourons who trash our beaches, and the jabronis who keep spray-painting their crap graffiti on rocks around the lake.
Next, I’d like to give an entire gift basket of coal to Douglas County’s Board of County Commissioners for their shortsighted and hasty decision to ban recreational cannabis sales altogether.
I also plan to deliver a boulder-sized piece of coal to the CalTrans office so they can’t get inside their place of business as a thank you for making driving in Lake Tahoe a living hell this summer. (P.S. but actually thank you for the new roads.)
The vacation home rental industry as a whole has earned a lump of coal. Why, you ask? Because whether you’re for or against them, I think we can all agree we are so freaking sick of reading, talking and writing about them!
I’m torn on whether or not I should ship a lump of coal to former Lake Tahoe Humane Society executive director Niki Congero for her alleged embezzlement of funds from the nonprofit. Just to be safe, I’ll do it.
A lump of coal will also make its way up to the North Shore for the deputy who killed the beloved Incline Village black bear Jasper because of a mix-up between real and rubber bullets. RIP, Jaspy. *kisses fin, points to sky*
And it wouldn’t be Christmas without giving a lump of coal to all those sexual offenders out there, including but definitely not limited to: Russell Simmons, Garrison Keillor, Louis C.K., Kevin Spacey, Harvey Weinstein, Charlie Rose, Al Franken, Jeffrey Tambor, Dustin Hoffman, Jeremy Piven, Ben Affleck, Nick Carter, John Conyers, Glenn Thrush, Michael Oreskes, Mark Halperin, Leon Wieseltier, Ed Westwick, John Lasseter, Roy Moore, Gary Goddard, Matthew Weiner, Brett Ratner, Andy Dick, Hamilton Fish, Ken Baker, Andrew Kreisberg, Eddie Berganza, David Guillod, James Toback, Jeff Hoover, John Besh, Knight Landesman, Lockhart Steele, Terry Richardson, Chris Savino, Roy Price, Matt Lauer, and Mario Batali.
I will conclude this beautiful bashing of 2017’s top imbeciles with one kudos — and that kudos is to none other than me. I survived another year of telling all you dummies how to avoid living a sucky life, and for that, I deserve a Nobel Peace Prize.
Tahoe Tessie is a humorous take on the standard advice column. It is produced by the Tribune staff, and it is not meant to be taken literally. Have a question you want to ask Tessie? Send it to firstname.lastname@example.org.