Dear Tessie,

This weekend with the celebrity golf tournament was a real eye opener in terms of parking. It was a madhouse out there! Can you please explain to me how people can be so incredibly inept when it comes to parking?

Sincerely,

My 3-Year-Old Stays In the Lines Better Than You

It took you until the ACC to figure out that people don’t know how to park around here? Have you ever tried going to Emerald Bay on a weekend? Cars are all parked halfway on the road and halfway on a sheer cliff that is eroding away due to cars parking there. Going off on a tangent here, but parking should not be allowed anywhere in Emerald Bay and the Tahoe Transportation District should provide shuttle service from satellite parking lots for anyone wanting to see that area.

What was the question again? Oh yes, terrible parkers. Most of the time terrible parking comes from a general laziness of the driver to walk an extra hundred yards to park in an appropriate spot.

I love seeing those people who create their own parking space. You got the people who try to squeeze into a half-spot at the end of the lot. Then there’s the people with trucks who will go off road and park triumphantly on a dirt hill. You got the people who believe a sidewalk is not for pedestrians but for cars. There are the people who are just asking for a ticket by parking in front of a “No Parking” sign. However, the worst offenders who deserve a special place in parking hell are the people with their precious and “fancy” car who think they deserve TWO spots to park in. Listen, bub, your 2014 Subaru WRX is not that special, OK?

However, my favorite thing in the world is seeing a cop just having a field day throwing parking tickets on the windows of all these lazy idiots. It reminds you that karma is, indeed, a thing and that sometimes people get what they deserve.

Dear Tessie,

I am melting. I live in a house with no air conditioning with six other dudes and these 80-degree days are slowly killing me. Any tips for keeping cool this summer?

Sincerely,

Can I Come Hang Out With You In Your Cave?

First off, if 80-degree days are killing you then you’re kind of a wimp and perhaps you should take the whole global warming thing more seriously because you aren’t going to last long, for sure.

That being said, I get it that a lack of air movement in your house due to no AC can be pretty stifling. I’ve never been an indoor creature, myself, and hanging out in the lake my whole life keeps me nice and cool. So here are my tips:

No. 1 is try going to the lake and getting in the water. Seems like the most obvious advice of all time, but you’ve got an extremely large cold water lake in your backyard, people.

However, if you don’t like hanging out on a beach and getting sand in your unmentionables go for a hike up in the Desolation. There’s still a LOT of snow up there. Strip down to your undies and just roll around in the snow. You’ll be sure to cool off real quick.

If that sounds like too much work for you then you might be a lazy turd. And if that’s the case then you can always go hang out in the casino. They’ve got air conditioning and cheap ice cold drinks. Bonus: You will smell like a dirty ashtray when you come out! However, if you pick this option then what the hell are you really living in Tahoe for?

Tahoe Tessie is a humorous take on the standard advice column. It is produced by the Tribune staff, and it is not meant to be taken literally. Have a question you want to ask Tessie? Send it to tahoetessie@tahoedailytribune.com.