Ask Tessie: Why do you stick with the ‘Tragic Tribune’?
November 13, 2017
I don't know why you're wasting your talents at the "Tragic Tribune." Those folks over there have got it ALL WRONG. I mean, the entire rag is basically an opinion piece, am I right? Plus, word on the street is they take all of their editorial advice from their advertisers.
Walter Cronkite's Ghost, eight-year Tahoe local
Those words could not be truer had they come from the reinstated Twitter account of President Donald Trump himself. Let me give it to you straight: I'm in it for the money, but things are changing over here at the Tribune, and I'll tell you why.
The failure of Measure C was a real financial blow to my short-sighted colleagues, who completely underestimated how lazy people are (Netflix > voting) and heavily invested in the local asphalt industry in anticipation of our roads actually getting fixed in the next decade.
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Well, we all know how that turned out, so let's just say that investment was money down the poorly-filtered roadside drain. So we at the Tribune have had to give up some of the luxuries we've become accustomed to, because really, there are only so many hundies you can accept under the table from people looking for a choice front page spread.
So long, weekly team-building spa days. See you later, editorial meetings aboard the company yacht, Off The Record.
That standing table at Friday Station? Gone. No more mid-day martini buzzes while slurping oysters and discussing how to better push our own agendas through slanted articles. What's worse, we've had to drastically cut back on our top hat and monocle budget!
You think that fireplace at City Hall is nice? Come check out our office. If you peer around the corner where we all hide when someone comes in to yell at us because we decided the score of the peewee hockey game wasn't newsworthy, you'll see how cush we've got it. So cush, in fact, that in order to make up for the sunken investment, we're renting the place out on AirBnB to SnowGlobers. We're pushing the whole idea of "office-themed living" as the next big thing. Millennials love their obscure and impractical trends.
The plan is to take that money, buy the old Kingsbury Middle School, knock it down and turn it into housing for the One Percent. I can't imagine anyone would have complaints about that. Finger crossed this will bring in enough money to get that helipad we've been lusting after on top of the Tahoe Mountain Lab.
But if all else fails, we've still got the Loop Road.
Tahoe Tessie is a humorous take on the standard advice column. It is produced by the Tribune staff, and it is not meant to be taken literally. Have a question you want to ask Tessie? Send it to firstname.lastname@example.org.
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