‘Nurturing’ comes easily to personal trainers | TahoeDailyTribune.com

‘Nurturing’ comes easily to personal trainers

Paul Dunn
Paul Dunn
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I exercise at a local health club three to four times a week.

You wouldn’t know it to look at me, but SOME people think I’m a stud. Octogenarian librarians and other frisky matrons, for instance, know a REAL man when they see one …

“Ethel, put down that book and LOOK!: That man’s NAKED!”

“Quick! Give me the binoculars, Louise …”

But enough about me. Let’s discuss today’s topic: personal exercise trainers.

My particular club’s crawling with ’em.

It baffles me: Why in the world would you pay someone to hurt you?

Why not just smack yourself in the forehead with a ball-peen hammer? It’s easy, quick, just as painful and shows individual initiative.

But I won’t go there: Besides, I’m too busy washing the blood off my hammer.

Just for the sake of fantasy, though, let’s say I was in the recovery room after a frontal lobotomy and suddenly thought, “Hey, I know. I’ll hire a personal trainer.”

I have one in mind. I’ve observed him nurturing his clients.

I call him “Saw 5.”

Saw 5 says “please” to his exercisers. I like that.

He says “please” when, say, his nearly comatose, guilt-ridden clients complete 1,249 pushups and need a teensy bit more energy to reach HIS goal of 1,250.

Saw 5 gets nervous when his charges are SO close …

“PLEASE, GOD, OH PLEASE LET MY PERSON DO ONE MORE PUSHUP, OR I’LL BE A FAILURE AS A PERSONAL TRAINER!” he screams, wildly waving his partially eaten custard-filled donut.

With this subtle, but effective motivation, his clients usually perform admirably — up until they begin writhing, then die on the spot (which regrettably causes more work for the janitors).

But to be fair, Saw 5 doesn’t condone death, only excruciating pain.

And he smiles a lot …

But his is not the smile of a well-adjusted human being.

No.

Remember the inbred, scruffy Georgia hillbilly in the movie “Deliverance” — he with the three-day beard, the rotten teeth and the eyes that didn’t match?

He smiled, too.

That’s how our buddy the personal trainer smiles.

“OK. Let’s do some sit-ups,” he tells another client, his jackal-smile beaming. “We’ll begin with number one, and when we get to eight-hundred and ninety-eight you’ll only have two more to go.

“What!? YOU DON’T FEEEEEEL LIKE IT!?,” Saw 5 snorts, spitting out mushy donut parts onto his client’s sweat-stained T-shirt.

“Oh, for the love of lard! Stop whining, ya whale, and get moving. Can’t you see I’m trying to eat?!”

Saw 5: He’s fun.

Just beware of his smile.

— Paul Dunn is editor of the Tahoe Daily Tribune. He can be reached at (530) 542-8047 and pdunn@tahoedailytribune.com.


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