Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who is the dumbest of them all?
December 3, 2003
By Rick Chandler
We have an important announcement this week. Even though Oakland Raiders very-probably-soon-to-be ex-head coach Bill Callahan has declared that his team is “the dumbest football team in America,” this is not – I repeat, not – official.
While it’s true that the Raiders have pulled many seriously hilarious gaffes and blunders and the whole steroid controversy shows major stupidity on their part, it was probably premature for their coach to go and declare them the dumbest team without his doing the proper research.
The following item, for instance, is one that Callahan probably missed:
Covington police reported that Cincinnati Bengals’ fullback James Lynch urinated in the middle of a street early Tuesday, fled from officers and resisted arrest as he was being put into a police cruiser. When police arrested Lynch at 2:40 a.m. Tuesday and charged him with five offenses, he already was wanted for failing to appear in court on other traffic charges. Lynch was released from jail after posting $3,011 bond.
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And what about the college game? Army has lost all 12 of its games and needs a win on Saturday against Navy to avoid becoming the first NCAA team ever to lose 13 games in a season. At least the Raiders have won three.
Anyway, the point is that we’ve done the proper fact-checking, and the Raiders – while extremely dumb – are not the dumbest football team in America as their coach declares. Here is our list of the top dumbest teams, which we arrived at scientifically after three hours of Internet research (two and a half hours of which consisted of deleting Spam).
America’s dumbest football teams:
10. Danny Thomas Junior College (Calif.)
8. Mt. Rainier High (Wash.)
7. Cincinnati Bengals
6. Akron (Ohio) Bill’s Refrigerator Repair Fighting Freezers (Semi-pro)
5. New York Giants
4. Scottsdale (Ariz.) Junior Pee Wee Division Go-Bots (ages 9-10)
3. Oakland Raiders
2. FOX NFL studio broadcast team.
1. And the prize for first place has to go to The Guardsmen, the semi-pro team of prison guards coached by Captain Knauer and directed by Warden Hazen, who played the inmates in the film “The Longest Yard.”
Of course, if you open the category to other sports, the Raiders don’t even make the Top 10. Consider any baseball team that has John Rocker on its roster … a typical NASCAR pit crew … Tonya Harding and her entourage … and, of course, the Los Angeles Lakers (when asked after a trip to Greece if he had visited the Acropolis, Shaquille O’Neal replied “I’m not sure of the names of all the clubs we went to.”).
So in conclusion sports fans, stupid is as stupid does. Pay close attention to your own favorite sports team this weekend. Chances are that the Raiders will be looking smarter and smarter by the minute.
– Rick Chandler is a writer for NBCSports.com.