Stinkers of 2004: Howie picks the year’s worst 11 films
Yes, there were more than a few turkeys this past year. When you add up the number of hours I sat watching all of these duds, and then realizing that those hours can never be reclaimed, I felt it necessary to not just explain why these selections were horrid but to also make it a Top Eleven Worst category because there were so many to choose from.
I did the same with my Dishonorable Mention category, offering up six instead of five painful picks. Also, as my way of getting back, I offer up (as I did last year) what these movies should have been titled. Since I cannot take back those many hours of suffering through these, I can at least spare you from having to sit through them. Here’s to more terrible movies in 2005, so I can continue to poke fun of them as well.
(Should have been called “Ticked” for having to sit through this two-wheeler waste of celluloid.) The only good thing about this movie is that it opened so early in ’04 that chances are nobody even remembers it. The movie centers around a bunch of motorcyclists who do nothing but ride around all day, burning rubber and wearing leather, trying to be cool. Starring too-cool Cary Ford as Martin Henderson hiding from the Feds (don’t they all?), there’s a scene where the cyclists drive by a “cars suck” sign. If you drop the “cars” then you get the phrase that describes this film.
— “The Big Bounce”
(Should have been called “The Big Dud.”) This is the second time around for a screen adaptation of Elmore Leonard’s novel “The Big Bounce.” Back in 1969, it bombed with a cast featuring Ryan O’Neal, Leigh Taylor Young and Lee Grant. Don’t they know that history repeats itself?
— “Welcome to Mooseport”
(Should have been called “Welcome to Moose Dung.”) Everybody may love Raymond on TV, but on the big screen … well, he would have been cancelled, I’m afraid. Ray Romano’s laid-back style works well for the small screen, but here just amplifies the audience’s desire to sleep.
— “Taking Lives”
(Should have been called “Taking my $10 and Not Getting it Back.”) Starring Angelina Jolie as FBI Agent Illeana who is called to Montreal to assist on a case involving a vicious serial killer, it’s no wonder that the Canadians hate us.
— “The Whole Ten Yards”
(Should have been called “Could Have Been 100 Yards and Still Not Amount to Much.”) This is an aimless film with no legitimate reason that would warrant a sequel. Only Amanda Peet was worth watching, as she was somewhat relevant to the story. Bruce Willis’ retired hit man should have retired, period. And Matthew Perry … well, I just hope he saved his money from “Friends” to retire on.
— “Around the World in 80 Days”
(Should have been called “Around the Bowl for 80 Hours,” because that’s where I was after I saw this: the restroom) It was tough enduring this movie starring one of my favorite actors/stuntmen, Jackie Chan. Jules Verne is rolling in his grave, I’m sure. Yet another remake here – the last version from 1956 starred David Niven and a host of characters that he encountered along his journey. Chan needs to give John Woo a call and get back to the kind of movies that made us take notice in the first place.
— “Garfield: The Movie”
(Should have been called “Garfield: Back to the Litterbox.”) I love the sarcastic feline from the comic strips, and even the TV series had its moments, but it failed on the big screen. A better choice to voice the finicky feline would have been comic Steven Wright, to begin with, as he comes the closest to imitating the deadpan style that no one else can even touch.
(Could have been called “Garfield 2” or “Crapwoman.”) Halle Berry, how could you? You’re an Oscar winner! Fire your agent and get back on track, and not lower yourself to the bowels of this cat-box fiasco. The only good news from the making of this motion picture is that there definitely will be no “Catwoman 2,” because all nine lives were used up during the filming of this kitty-litter candidate the first time around. Halle can continue to wear that leather outfit, though.
— “White Chicks”
(Should have been called “What Would Have Happened if We Called it Black Chicks?”) Once again, it’s fine to name a movie that one ethnic group deems OK, but turn the tables around and “Hello, ACLU!” I like the Wayans brothers who star in this vehicle, but unfortunately it winds up a dead-end.
— “Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2”
(Should have been called “Diapers Full of Number Two.”) Look, weren’t we punished enough during those “Look Who’s Talking” baby movies in the last century? They even tried making a TV series about smart-aleck talking tykes, but it flopped terribly … so why bother making a sequel about yet more talking babies? Apparently Hollywood doesn’t realize that history does, in fact, repeat itself, and this one was baby doo-doo. Oscar-winning actor Jon Voight and Scott Baio starred in this flick, and should have toured the country offering up apologies at every theater it was shown at.
(Should have been called “Maybe A Better Cab Will Come Along.”) This is SNL’s Jimmy Fallon’s feature debut, where he is asked to carry the entire picture along with the talented Queen Latifah. Unfortunately, all this movie does is make the viewer want to hail a taxi from the theater so they don’t have to see it! Sorry, Jimmy.
— “Frankie and Johnny Are Married”
— “The Butterfly Effect”
— “Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid”
— “You Got Served”
— “Chucky 5: Seed of Chucky”
— “King Arthur”
– Howie Nave is host/manager of The Improv Comedy Club inside Harveys and reviews films for seven radio stations throughout northern California and Nevada. He hosts his own daily show afternoons on Tahoe’s KRLT radio.