Draft reveals too much Irvin can be bad for your health
I watched the entire first day of the NFL Draft. Nine-plus hours of Mel Kiper Jr., sleepers and reaches. I can’t say I’m a better person for it, since my brains were mush by the end and I ate a bag of chips, a bottle of peanuts, half a chicken, five cups of coffee and a jug of cranberry juice; not exactly a balanced diet. But hey, it beats doing yard work.
9 a.m.: Why wasn’t I informed Michael Irvin would be on the studio team? I want to watch the draft, not a minstrel show. I need some sort of device to automatically mute the television whenever he talks. Let’s get on the ball, TiVo people!
9:29: The Chargers pick Manning to thunderous booing from the MSG crowd. They start chanting “Eli sucks!” as he holds up a San Diego jersey and tries to smile. He looks like a kid who was counting on getting a Playstation 2 for Christmas and got a dirty diaper instead.
9:39: The Raiders take offensive tackle Robert Gallery. This is a huge non-surprise surprise. Every mock draft had them taking WR Roy Williams and when’s the last time Al Davis did what everyone predicted?
10:01: The Giants take QB Philip Rivers with the fourth pick, meaning they’re trading him to the Chargers for Manning. The only question is how much New York gives up for the newest member of the Lucky Sperm Club.
10:12: The Redskins pick safety Sean Taylor, which is followed quickly by the official announcement of the San Diego-New York trade. Looks like San Diego held out as long as possible to get the most out of the Giants: Rivers, a third-rounder this year, first and fifth next year. Nice job.
10:15: Manning’s full first name is Elisha. Now that’s a name you can count among the greats: Joe Montana, John Elway, Dan Marino, Elisha Manning. The only thing Elisha evokes is a nubile blonde trying to avoid terrorists on a hackneyed weekly television show. Not that that’s a bad thing.
10:18: Chris Berman reviews the last first-round QB taken by each team. There it is: San Francisco 49ers – Jim Druckenmiller. My head hurts and I just lost my appetite.
10:20: ESPN’s Sal Paolantonio refers to the Giants roster shakeup as “re-energizing.” That’s just fancy talk for trying to fix a crappy team, right?
10:32: Michael Irvin just said, “You’ve got to be able to catch the ball to be a wide receiver in the NFL.”
10:38: I blacked out for several minutes. I wish my roommate was here to tell me if my ears are bleeding …
11:01: Suzy Kolber is interviewing QB Ben Rothlisberger, who instantly gets on the phone with the Steelers. He gets off and tells Kolber the Steelers are taking him. Paul Tagliabue may have Rothlisberger whacked for stealing his podium thunder.
11:26: Paolantonio says wide receiver Mike Williams’ agent has sent the player “out of the country to an undisclosed location” to get away from the draft. I know Williams got kicked out of the draft, but couldn’t he lick his wounds within U.S. borders?
11:34: Bears’ draftee Tommie Harris is wearing a pinstriped suit with a shiny pink shirt and tie and he’s wearing sunglasses while sitting in someone’s living room. Just what the franchise of Halas, Butkus and Singletary needs – a guy with a real toughness about him.
11:45: The 49ers go on the clock. Several impact defensive players are available, but they’re probably going to trade down because the roster is thinner than the Lake Tahoe Unified School District budget.
11:53: The Niners trade down to the 28th pick. Here is a list of players we hope will fall to that spot: defensive tackle Vince Wilfork, linebacker D.J. Williams, defensive Will Smith, defensive end Kenechi Udeze.
11:54: Denver takes D.J. Williams.
12:09: New Orleans takes Will Smith.
12:23: Minnesota takes Kenechi Udeze.
12:38: New England takes Vince Wilfork. That makes six University of Miami players taken in the first round, a new record. It’s also probably more players than received degrees this year. On the plus side, I’ve been told all six draftees can read and write and do easy math with the help of scratch paper and a calculator.
2:09: The 49ers trade down again and now have the 31st pick. So far they’ve picked up a second-rounder and a fourth-rounder for moving back 14 spots. Not a terrible move, but all the impact players are gone.
2:35: The 49ers take wide receiver Rashaun Woods, the seventh receiver taken in the first round. He’ll probably start next year since the Niners lost nearly every receiver from last year, but nothing about Woods screams playmaker.
2:45: The first round is over. Nearly six hours with not much to get excited about, at least from the standpoint of a 49ers’ fan. Of course, I was once high on J.J. Stokes, so that shows what I know.
– Tribune staff writer Jared Green can be reached at 542-8008 or firstname.lastname@example.org