If you think the Bucs are in for a long day, try being an avocado
Our interview this week was going to be with veteran NFL assistant coach Joe Avezzano, who was fired on Friday as special teams coach of the Dallas Cowboys. But due to a spelling mishap in the paperwork, Avezzano was never contacted. Instead, we have an interview with an avocado.
This column apologizes in advance. What would a small, green fruit have to say that would be of any interest to readers? Well, he drove in all the way in from Carpinteria, so let’s give him a chance. So without further ado, here is our interview with an avocado.
ME: Welcome, avocado. Nice of you to be here.
AVOCADO: Thanks. My pleasure.
ME: Tell us a little about yourself.
AVOCADO: Well, I’m a semitropical fruit, as you know, native to North and South America, and some parts of Southern Europe. Originally called Aguacate, my seeds were cultivated in Mexico as early as 500 BC, and some were found buried with Inca mummies in Peru.
ME: That’s amazing. The ancient Incas had guacamole?
AVOCADO: Yes, but no chips. They ate it with lizard.
ME: Well, tell us your reason for being here today.
AVOCADO: We are facing a crisis of unprecedented proportions. According to the California Avocado Commission, for which I sit on the board, more than 40 million pounds of avocados will be consumed this coming Sunday. Millions of my brethren will be ripped from trees, allowed to ripen, and then horribly maimed, mashed, garnished with spices an eaten — all on this one day.
ME: Ah, the Super Bowl.
AVOCADO: Yes. More avocados will perish during this game than in the entire rest of the year combined. We must do something to end the slaughter.
ME: Why do avocados go willingly to this certain demise? Why don’t they run?
AVOCADO: Unfortunately we are a ponderous fruit, designed for pulpy deliciousness and not for speed.
ME: At least you get to see a good game.
AVOCADO: What do you mean?
ME: You get to see the Super Bowl, and that’s nothing to be sneezed at. Think of, say, an orange. What does an orange ever get to do; maybe see a youth soccer game, if it’s lucky? When does a banana get in front of the TV for a premiere sporting event? You’ve got it made. You go out in style.
AVOCADO: I never thought of it that way.
ME: That begs the question, who do you think is going to win?
AVOCADO: The Raiders have a fine offense, and they’re on a roll. But how can you not go with the Buccaneers? When you look at what the respective teams did in their conference championship games, Tampa Bay’s accomplishment was by far the most impressive. Beating Tennessee at home is one thing, but going into Philly on a cold January afternoon and beating a good Eagles team in the last-ever game at Veterans Stadium, well, that’s huge.
ME: You seem to know a lot about football. I mean, for a small fruit.
AVOCADO: I keep up.
ME: How do you see the game itself breaking down?
AVOCADO: Defense wins championships. Each time during the playoffs I heard someone say that Tampa Bay doesn’t have a good enough offense, I thought back to Baltimore, and how they said the same thing about them in 2000. And then they won it all. Look for a defensive struggle in this game — very low
scoring. I myself am on my way to Harrah’s Lake Tahoe to bet the under.
ME: But back to your cause. How can one person help on Sunday?
AVOCADO: Please, avoid the avocado at your Super Bowl party. I hear that buffalo wings are quite tasty, or how about a nice onion dip? Send out for a
pizza, for God’s sake! Get a freakin’ fondue set!
ME: You’re becoming agitated. Please calm down.
AVOCADO: We are an excitable fruit. You would be too, especially at this time of year.
ME: Thanks you very much, avocado, for taking the time to speak to our readers. I’m sure we all recognize your plight, and will do all in our power
to end your persecution.
AVOCADO: Thank you. May I also point out that takeout chicken can be a delicious Super Bowl snack? I’d also like to point out the advantages of salsa.
ME: Certainly. Well, that’s all for this week. Thank you once again, avocado.
AVOCADO: It’s been my pleasure. Um … excuse me, but are those … chips?
ME: No. (bag crinkles). It’s a book.
AVOCADO: A clove of garlic … and that’s clearly one small onion, and some diced tomatoes! You bastard! (Avocado begins rolling, slowly, toward the door).
AVOCADO: Stay away from me with that lime juice!
ME: We’ll be back next week with Tom Arnold.
AVOCADO: Ahhh! Police!
— Rick Chandler’s interactive sports column, Capacity Crowd, can be found at NBCSports.com. Contact him at RickChand@earthlink.net
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