Leave those kids’ game to fourth-graders
By Rick Chandler
It has come to my attention that many of you out there are considering joining professional dodgeball leagues. Yes, dodgeball, that game we played in grammar school in which a person throws a rubber ball at … why am I explaining this? You know the rules.
I am here today to tell everyone to stop. It’s dodgeball, you idiots. There’s a reason we all stopped playing this after the fourth grade … we discovered baseball and football. And girls. While it was cute to fire the ball at little Nancy’s head when you were nine – it just showed that deep down you really liked her and didn’t know how to express your real feelings. Now that you’re an adult, it’s just creepy.
There are other ways to impress girls besides throwing objects at them (Bobby Brown, please take note). So if you’re strapping on knee pads and searching for just the right ball to use as the official ball for your league, stop it. It’s over.
Dodgeball. What were you thinking?
You don’t realize what a Pandora’s box you’re about to open. Professional dodgeball could lead to very real, very horrifying consequences. Such as:
Professional kickball: There is such a league, believe it or not. Yes, the sport in which even asthmatic, overweight youth chess enthusiasts could excel is taking sign-ups and planning national playoffs.
Extreme ironing: Participants travel to exotic locales and produce ironing boards and wrinkled shirts and, well, iron them. They’ve done this underwater and on top of mountains, and if you think we’re making this up just go to extremeironing.com.
Cricket: OK, this is a real sport that has been played for more than a hundred years, but when examined closely it’s just as odd as kickball.
If the above three examples aren’t frightening enough, let us lead you down the path of the future. If dodgeball gains a foothold, it won’t be long before we begin to see:
Professional Red Rover: There is a hush over the crowd as the captain of the blue team calls for the green team to send 400-pound Melvin “Mack Truck” Johnson “right over.”
Tetherball: When Shaquille O’Neal’s basketball playing days are over he can gravitate to this. I’d also like to hear Bill Walton announce the finals. “Ooh, Shaq somehow got himself tangled in the rope. What a shame.”
Four square: This could be a reality TV show, in which the person in the B square plays favorites, never allowing the person in the A square to be put out … until he springs a trap to depose the unsuspecting fool and moves into the A square himself.
Hopscotch: How many knees would be whacked, Nancy Kerrigan-style, if this were played for big money? Several.
Marco Polo: Actually, a blindfolded man flailing around the shallow end of a pool yelling “Marco!” would be more entertaining than real water polo.
Red Light, Green Light: Finally, a sport in which mimes can excel.
Chug-a-Lug: Not great for your health but then, neither is boxing, or, apparently, hockey. Contestants pound beers until only one is left standing – in other words, just like the 10 hours following any professional bowling event.
Marbles: We’ve always wanted to see a sport in which the other person’s property is confiscated by the winner (a Sammy Sosa at-bat doesn’t really qualify).
Finger football: It’s the game you played in high school at the library, when you were supposed to be studying. You fold a piece of paper into a triangle and try to flick it between makeshift goal posts formed by your opponents’ thumbs. Somehow, though, we suspect that it would still be dominated by small Europeans.
Hide and Seek: Virtually eliminates the need for steroids. And Bobby Fischer could be champion again!
Beach football: Plus side: Coed league features girls in bikinis. Down side: Public may be loathe to embrace any sport in which kelp is a factor.
Knockout: Players line up at the free throw line, the first two with basketballs. The first player shoots, then the second, and so forth. If a person behind you makes a basket before you do, you’re out. Ooooh, poor Shaq. Well, there’s always tetherball.
– Contact Rick Chandler at RickChand@earthlink.net