Rally Monkey interview a breath of fresh air for Series
Tired of the same old World Series interviews? Yeah, so are we — Troy Percival is interesting for about three minutes, then our eyes glaze over.
And so, this column will not feed you the same old stuff — we’ve secured an exclusive interview with an integral World Series participant.
Here he is. Please put your hands together (but not too loudly) for Rally Monkey.
ME: Welcome to the column, Rally Monkey. We appreciate you taking the time.
RALLY MONKEY: It’s my pleasure.
ME: First, can you tell us a little about yourself?
RM: Well, I’m a Ka’apor capuchin monkey, subspecies Cebus olivaceus kaapori of the wedge-capped or weeping capuchin monkey Cebus olivaceus. Originally I’m from Brazilian Amazonia, in the Atlantic coastal state of Maranhao. I had a range of 7,500 square miles, but deforestation has reduced that to about 5,000. I was declared an endangered species in 1994.
ME: Terrible news.
RM: I wasn’t too thrilled myself. But I understand that I may be on the verge of an upgrade to “Vulnerable.” Listen, can I trouble you for a plantain?
ME: We have Diet Dr. Pibb.
RM: Never mind.
ME: When did you first begin working for the Angels?
RM: That would be during the 2000 season, coincidentally in a game against the Giants. The Angels were behind, and they flashed one of my old movie clips on the Jumbotron — I think it was from “Ace Ventura,” “Pet Detective.” The Angels won, and the rest is history.
ME: What was Jim Carrey like to work with?
RM: Dreadful. Could not remember his lines. And the man never bathed. I much preferred Dustin Hoffman, with whom I costarred in “Outbreak.” Now there’s a professional.
ME: Your portrayal of an Ebola-infected primate wowed the critics — why you were not nominated for an Oscar is beyond me.
RM: You’re too kind.
ME: You also played Marcel on Friends, did you not?
RM: Yes, I was a regular. But when Tom Selleck joined the cast, I felt it was time to leave. I do not agree with his stance on gun control.
ME: I see. Describe for us if you will the atmosphere in the Anaheim area, now that the Angels are in the Series for the first time in their history.
RM: Outwardly, nothing has changed. You have to remember that it’s all suburbs here — no emotion, everything low key and proper in a Mike-and-Carol-Brady sort of way. Remember why I was created in the first place; Angels’ fans were falling asleep during games. That’s just the way they are.
ME: No sign of emotion when the team beat the Twins? No downtown unrest?
RM: We don’t have a downtown.
ME: In other cities you get rioting, cars being overturned …
RM: Well, there was some trouble at Disneyland. At the moment the Angels won the pennant, an elderly woman beat Goofy senseless with an umbrella. Also there was some looting in Frontier Land.
ME: You have appeared on ESPN Sportscenter, everyone seems to be talking about you. What do you make of your sudden popularity?
RM: My fame has been bittersweet. It’s all been a boost for my career, sure. But I love the Angels, and it would be nice if the team could stand on its own, without the cheesy gimmicks. Baseball’s in trouble if they need attractions like me.
ME: Have you seen the latest, these plastic tubes they call “thunder sticks.”
RM: You get a stadium full of people thwacking them together and they look like enraged insects manipulating their antennae.
ME: And how about those foam tomahawks in Atlanta?
RM: Listen, why don’t they just pull out all the stops and give the fans what they want? Bring in clowns and jugglers, and don’t stop at one mascot, fill the place with costumed characters! Disney owns the Angels — bring in Mickey Mouse and the whole freakin’ menagerie! Dance the Macarena between every inning.
ME: I sense bitterness.
RM: Well, you expect this behavior at Single-A games, not in the majors. To tell you the truth, I’d like nothing more than to retire quietly to a nice grotto at the zoo. It would be a thrill if baseball didn’t need me — that would mean that the game was healthy, and standing on its own.
ME: Your prediction for the Series?
RM: Normally I would say the predictable thing, like Angels in five. But screw it, I’m Rally Monkey! I’ll say Giants in six, and if Disney doesn’t like it, let them get Donald freakin’ Duck to jump around when they’re losing.
ME: Giants in six, that means the Angels will be behind a lot — more work for you.
RM: That’s show biz.
ME: We’d like to thank Rally Monkey, and wish him a safe trip back to Edison Field.
RM: Thanks, folks! Visit your local zoo! Fur is murder!
— Rick Chandler’s interactive sports column, Capacity Crowd, can be found at
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