Toughest test coming up for high school students |

Toughest test coming up for high school students

Column by Steve Yingling, Tribune Sports Editor

Note: The following characters are fictitious, but their points are valid.

Marsha: Hey, Dennis, what do you think about the Supreme Court’s ruling, giving school districts the right to drug test students who participate in extracurricular activities?

Dennis: I’m not too worried about it because I’m going to stop playing sports and become part of the untested student body. Heck, I might have the freedom and time to go party on Friday and Saturday nights now, too.

Marsha: But you’re one of the best basketball players in the school and are in line to receive a college scholarship. If you quit, I guarantee that many of your teammates will walk away, too, leaving your coach without a team.

Dennis: I just don’t think it’s right that the high court can infringe upon our Constitutional rights and single out the students who don’t have time to party. Why not test all students? Justice Clarence Thomas is way off base when he said, “We find that testing students who participate in extracurricular activities is a reasonably effective means of addressing the school district’s legitimate concerns in preventing, deterring and detecting drug use.” If they searched all of our lockers on a regular basis, they’d pinpoint the guilty real fast.

Marsha: If they did test everyone, they’d have to close down a lot of schools and turn them into drug rehab centers.

Dennis: At least they won’t be testing for alcohol. If school officials tested for alcohol on Monday morning, even the chess club would lose a few members. And think of the hypocrisy. Administrators dabble in that “drug” all the time and yet we’re always penalized for consuming it.

Marsha: I’ve heard that cocaine and marijuana are the primary drugs they’ll be screening us for. I guess football players can continue to get away with using steroids and speed.

Dennis: But it will be a humiliating experience, giving a urine sample once a week. I give enough time and energy to this school on and off the court, but I have to draw the line when administrators require me to pee in a bottle. How are they going to call us in — announce it over the school intercom so everyone knows you’re being tested? Or will they tap us on the shoulder during lunch? I just don’t know how it can be discreet.

Marsha: But testing is going to be random. You may avoid being tested altogether.

Dennis: Don’t you understand that testing is going to become another popularity contest? Administrators are going to test the students they dislike and look the other way when their favorites’ and the affluent kids’ numbers come up.

Marsha: What will Nicole and Freddie do without the opportunity to play sports? Soccer and baseball are the only reasons they are keeping up with their studies. I think they’ll drop out as soon as this invasion of privacy goes into effect.

Dennis: Straight-laced athletes like Danny, Leslie and Sandy have nothing to worry about because they have always been clean. They don’t even take Aspirin.

Marsha: That’s where you’re wrong, Dennis, because it’s a proven fact that drug testing isn’t 100 percent accurate. There’s a chance that Danny, Leslie or Sandy will test positive and lose their squeaky-clean reputations. If I were them, I’d be pretty worried. Their reputations could be gone as quickly as Barbara lost hers when that loose-lipped Samuel bragged about his latest sexual conquest.

Marsha: I’m starting to agree with your decision to quit basketball. I think I’ll quit band and sell my $3,000 saxophone. Mom and dad will have to understand that now there is a legitimate reason to become a quitter.

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