Treymendous, Nation are on Kiper’s list for ’24 |

Treymendous, Nation are on Kiper’s list for ’24

Jared Green

“OK, folks, we’re here at the 2024 NFL Draft, and the Reno Raiders are the first on the clock. For our expert analysis, we’ll head down to the floor and the man with the biggest hair in television, Mel Kiper III.”

“Well, Ron, there are a number of ways the Raiders could go here. They could go for the sure thing and pick DewayneDanteDorrell “3-D” Henderson, a wide receiver out of Louisville. Henderson impressed Al Davis with his speed when he ran a 3.8 40-yard-dash at the combine last month. With that kind of straight-ahead speed and his 56-inch vertical, he can be a real weapon in Davis’ deep passing attack.

“On the other hand, Davis could reach a little bit and go a for a guy with tremendous upside. If he does that, look for the Raiders to take quarterback Hunk Rockwell from Okeefenokee High in Florida. Rockwell took the Swampdwellers to the state championship as a freshman and decided to enter the draft after only one year of high school. The 6-foot-3 project is a tremendous physical specimen and his doctor says he could grow as tall as 6-foot-10, which would make him a full two inches taller than the average NFL quarterback.

“With the second pick, expect to see the Cincinnati Bengals take DeForest Nation, an offensive tackle from Texas A&M. He’ll provide solid backside protection for Cincinnati quarterback Carson Palmer, now in his 21st season in the league with a lifetime 84-232 record.”

“Mel, what about the rumors of rampant steroid use surrounding the Aggie program?”

“Ron, all I can tell you is that Nation has passed every test he was given while in College Station, including eight paternity tests and a chemistry exam he took by mistake. Nation weighs in at 475 pounds with 8 percent body fat and bench presses his car before he heads to practice every morning.

“The third pick in the draft is up in the air in more ways than one. While the expansion Mexico City Bandits hold the third selection after finishing 2-14 last season, the franchise is $30 million over the salary cap and has been strongly considering skipping the pick to alleviate their cap situation.”

“Mel, how did Mexico City manage to get so far over the cap in just one year?”

“The biggest problem they have is the 22-year, $453 million contract they gave last year’s number-one pick, quarterback Eric ‘Salad Shooter’ Manning. Although he does come from the heralded line of Mannings that include Archie, Peyton, Eli and six-time Super Bowl winner Treymendous, it was a pretty big risk to give Eric that kind of money straight out of the womb. He isn’t likely to play for the Bandits for at least 15 years and he hasn’t shown all that much while throwing blocks across his crib.”

“Mel, if the Bandits skip their pick, that moves the San Francisco/Santa Clara/San Jose 49ers into that spot.”

“I’ve gotta say, Ron, I really don’t know where the Niners will go with this pick. Linebacker Morton Devanny would slot right into the strongside spot that is vacant after veteran Jim “Sawblade” Viceroy was convicted of drug-trafficking and sentenced to 18 years in prison during last year’s playoffs.”

“That sentence seemed a little steep, didn’t it, Mel?”

“Well, he only had a 1/8-ounce of marijuana on him when the police pulled him over, but the new mandatory sentencing law requires at least 18 years for anything stronger than cough medicine. Anyhoo, Devanny would be an excellent pick for the 49ers. Unfortunately, team owner/GM/head coach Dr. John York has been in hiding for two years, making it tough to get a handle on the pick.”

“Thanks, Mel. We’ll be right back after this commercial break. Make sure and stay tuned for the first pick, coming up right after the break. See you in 14 minutes!”

– Tribune staff writer JaredGreen can be contacted at (530) 542-8008 or

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